After last night, I could never be a politician.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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