apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You made out with two different species that night
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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