Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
