I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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