Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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