i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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