I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
