just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
