Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
