It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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