i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
