You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
