this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
