so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I just want nice things and good sex
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
