If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
We have started to decorate penises.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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