sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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