Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
