If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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