It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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