I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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