Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
