The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
