this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
