I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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