Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
