When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
