seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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