Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
