I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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