We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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