They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
how drunk are you?
Several
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
