I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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