went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
