Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
