youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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