Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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