I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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