you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
