I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
