I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
