sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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