I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize