is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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