I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize