I'm gonna have a badass scar
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Don't tell me you're on acid again
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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