Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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