why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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