Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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