I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
