just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
