dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
