brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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