My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
