When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
