I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
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